I’m at the core of the new Apple iPhone X

Apparently, my only redeeming quality in life right now is possessing the new Apple iPhone X. Charming. In the 36 hours it’s been in my possession, all conversations have diverted to the phone. Even out of sight, it’s grabbing all the attention.

“OMG you have the X,” one guy gushed at me in Deep Ellum on Sunday. “Do you just love it?”

I burst his bubble.

“I don’t have a clue how to use it. You have to watch a video to figure it out. Don’t you think that’s a bit much?”

He walked away before I got to my real beef. The wallpaper doesn’t look like the commercials and won’t animate properly. As if!

Feeling cheated myself, I start to understand the challenges people are having with the new device. Apple had to put out training materials — just to tell us how to turn the thing off. That’s never a good sign. A totally different video series addresses all the required workarounds caused by the elimination of the home button. Or, as dubbed by The Verge: “Apple has to teach people how to use an iPhone again.” Not quite sure the logic on ditching the behavior we’ve all perfected for the past decade. But they didn’t ask me.

I’d like to say such is the life of the early adopter, but that’s hardly my case. I did not buy a flat screen until this year. My rear-projection television still works just fine, thank you. Plus, I wasn’t supposed to even have the new Apple iPhone X. At least not yet. My device was scheduled for delivery mid-December. Even ordering it was a fluke.

I’m on some sort of a phone finance plan that includes an annual upgrade and Apple Care, which is quite important since I tend to drop phones in toilets. And sinks. And really anywhere.

It was only after Boyfriend waxed poetic about the seamless ordering process for the new iPhone X that I got curious. He claimed your current phone would set an alarm for you — waking you up at 2 a.m. — just to let you push a single button to order the X. Had they really made the ordering process so simple? That intrigued me.

I stopped ignoring the daily emails suggesting I should upgrade and clicked on the next one that rolled into my inbox, all with the plan of proving him wrong. I thought for sure the process would be complex, I’d get annoyed and just give up. And offer up and “I told you this wasn’t a one button push.”

First, I found out I really wasn’t eligible for an upgrade. Typical!

At least not without paying a price. So basically it cost me $142 for the “right” to then prepare to place an order for an X — which now will cost me more money each month — but not do so until the designated time. After agreeing to all this extra money like a crazy rich person, which I’m not, I said yes.

Next, I had to select a device. And for the record — this is already way past one button to push. Two choices to make: color and memory. Color. Who cares? Often it looks different with cases, covers and all of my other protection units needed to keep the device safe from myself. Memory is what really gets you. They’ve cut it down to two options. Not enough or way too much. Either way you’re screwed.

All of this, mind you, was merely the setup process — to get you ready for the 2 a.m. wake-up for the alleged one-button push. To actually push the order button. Crazy, yet I kept going.

Order night came, and my phone failed to wake me. Of course, Boyfriend’s went off perfectly and he’s already had his iPhone X for a few weeks. When I finally woke up, panic hit. “Are all the phones gone?” Which only made me try and move faster, slowing down the entire process. And really – how ridiculous. It’s not like I didn’t already have a phone. If they were all gone, life would have gone on just fine.

As I predicted, the push-one-button order was total nonsense. It was a process, plus I had to reconfirm all of the selections I’d already made, which always is annoying.

Sleepy, I was fine with my mid-December delivery date. I’d get the new iPhone X and derail my sense of envy. Which really was the only reason I was doing the new phone to begin with. Every time Boyfriend has a better, nicer phone, I end up wanting the same one and ultimately copying him, getting the exact same thing. Which clearly shows my originality and self-control.

Of course his arrived weeks prior, amazing that two hours can make that much of a difference. I was trying to keep my jealousy at bay. I was doing OK until the Apple-induced torture set in.

First, I got my email from Apple Care, talking about the guarantee on my new phone. Which wouldn’t arrive for another month. Were they making fun of me? Taunting me for the fact I was at the bottom of the list?

Then I got home and found a small package at my garage door. It was the kit to send back my current iPhone. Really? That’s just mean.

Next, I got a delivery notification. None of it made sense. I tell Boyfriend, who shares a bunch of inaccuracies: 1) I would be contacted by Apple when my new phone was on the way. 2) I would be notified I needed to be home to sign for the new phone.

Nope. I came home Friday night and had a brand new iPhone X waiting for me. But I still can’t get the damn wallpaper to animate.

Rani Monson is a humor columnist. "At the core of the new Apple iPhone X" originally appeared in the Katy Trail Weekly. 
Rani Monson

Writer Rani Monson shares a quirky take on learning you’re enough…be it smart enough, rich enough, thin enough…She is still trying to figure out what she wants to be when she grows up. In the meantime, she writes humor pieces.

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