Photo by Latrach Med Jamil on Unsplash
Part 1: A Step-by-Step Guide Buy an Appliance During COVID. At Christmas.
- Ignore strange noises refrigerator makes.
- Beer warm; resolve to drink faster.
- Hope cat drinks puddle of liquid gathering at base of fridge.
- Frozen fruit soft and mushy. Fine for smoothies.
- Refrigerator and freezer dead. No. pulse.
- Panic.
- Divide and conquer.
- He:
- Has to get cute to leave the house. It’s the first time in weeks.
- Prepares for PPE application. Puts on mask. Glasses fog. Adds disposable gloves. Second mask. Glasses fog worse.
- Buys several bags of ice at gas station, where those who refuse to wear masks congregate.
- Fills bathtub with ice. Adds fresh, organic air-chilled turkey previously purchased for Christmas cooking.
- He:
- Puts on new gloves. Clean mask. Glasses fog.
- Heads into world to find dry ice to salvage competition-winning BBQ in defunct freezer.
- Makes executive decision. Stops to buy two Yeti Tundra 45 coolers.
- “It’s cheaper than buying all new food”
- “We’ll totally use them again”
- It’s really about the BBQ.
- $600 + tax = two YETI hard coolers.
- $0 = dry ice, already confiscated to keep COVID vaccines cold.
- She
- Sets out to find the perfect fridge online.
- Requirement 1: Fit allotted spot. Limited height due to useless built-in cabinets no one can reach.
- Requirement 2: Quick delivery. Coffee without chilled oat milk is bullshit.
- Requirement 3: A bargain.
- She
- Lives in la la land; unaware of great appliance shortage of 2020 caused by COVID.
- Abandons Requirement 3 on price. “Fuck it.” Focuses on fabulous features of French-door models.
- Discovers fancied fridge with wi-fi enabled wine drawer and ice cream maker.
- On backorder until 2023.
- Contemplates “go big or go home” failure; realizes hasn’t left home in a month.
- Starts to drink vodka.
- She
- Purchases only refrigerator available before year-end.
- Adds extended warranty guaranteed to do nothing.
- Pays for white-glove delivery service.
- “I deserve it, dammit.”
- Adds more vodka to glass.
Part 2: White-Glove Delivery Service. Day before Christmas.
Delivery Man 1 & 2 arrive four hours early; don’t call first.
Delivery Man 1 in foul mood because you’re not expecting him early.
Delivery Man 1: “Do you have any tools we can borrow? We forgot ours.”
He fetches drill and bits.
She to Delivery Man 1: “Can you please wear your mask properly and cover your nose?” Face mask is dirty, damp and dangling from his ears. Looks like a used cigarette filter.
He hands tools to Delivery Man 1, who places it on floor for everyone to trip over.
Delivery Man 2 to She: “I like your pajamas,” indicating vintage set from Gap, back when Gap was still good. Delivery Man 2 wearing mask properly, clean with snug fit, unlike pants, which expose black-and-white check boxers.
Delivery Man 1 begins to take pictures of home without permission or explanation.
Delivery Man 2 rolls in dolly.
Delivery Man 1 and 2 load dolly with dead fridge.
Delivery Man 1 pushes dead fridge until forced to stop.
Delivery Man 1: “You have a problem,” indicating appliance he got wedged in hallway.
He: “If you measured first, you would have known you need to remove the refrigerator doors, to get it out of the house.”
Delivery Man 1: “Do you have a measuring tape I can borrow?”
He retrieves measuring tape.
She to Delivery Man 1: “Can you please wear your mask properly and cover your nose?”
He to Delivery Man 1: “You’ll need to remove the doors.”
Delivery Man 1: “Oh, we don’t actually do that. It’s a liability. That’s a risk.”
He holding iPhone: “Right here it says removing doors is part of white-glove delivery service.”
Delivery Man 1: “We don’t do that. It’s a liability.”
He: “Fuck it” starts to remove doors. Himself.
Delivery Man 1 stands very very very close, as if He will flee and need to be tackled; Delivery Man 1 watches TikTok videos on phone.
She to Delivery Man 1: “Since you’re standing so close, can you please wear your mask properly and cover your nose?”
Fridge doors removed.
Delivery Man 1 again starts to push dolly; hauls ass.
Knocks dead fridge into woodwork trim; chunks fall to floor.
Dents wood floors.
Aggressive push to outside world throws drawers and shelves to ground.
Delivery Man 1: “We measured. The new fridge won’t fit.”
He reading from iPhone: “Yes it will. The unit is 29 inches wide. The doorway is 32 inches. It will fit.”
Delivery Man 1: “No. We measured. It won’t fit. It’s a liability.”
He: “I’d like you to try.”
Delivery Man 1 and 2 roll a boxed refrigerator to the front door.
He: “That’s an LG. We didn’t buy an LG.”
She to Delivery Man 1: “Here’s a new disposable mask. Can you please put this on so your mouth and nose both are properly covered?”
Delivery Man 1 slides new mask into pocket.
Delivery Man 1: “You’re sure you didn’t buy an LG?”
He and She: “We bought a Whirlpool.”
Delivery Man 1 and 2 go to truck. Return. Dolly empty.
Delivery Man 1: “What about a Samsung? Did you buy a Samsung?”
He and She: “We bought a Whirlpool.”
Delivery Man 1: “We only delivery LG and Samsung. Why don’t you check your receipt. Maybe you don’t know what you bought.”
He and She: “We bought a Whirlpool.”
Delivery Man 1 and 2 go to truck. Return. No dolly.
Delivery Man 1: “We used the measuring tape. It’s too big. It won’t fit. It’s a liability.”
Delivery Man 1 and 2 leave new fridge outside in front of home.
Delivery Man 1 keeps measuring tape. As a professional, clearly he can put it to better use.
Part 3: Christmas Day.
Receive Whole Foods email indicating turkey in bathtub “did not meet our high expectations for quality.”
$50 account credit won’t buy enough wine to make it through the day.
Order pizza. Drink crisp cold beer from Yeti cooler.
Week later. Claims Letter arrives from white-glove Delivery Man 1.
Part 4: Claims Letter.
“She and He told us to leave Samsung refrigerator in garage. We left LG in garage. No liability.”
She and He do not have a garage.
Or a working refrigerator.