How to Buy an Appliance During COVID

How to Buy an Appliance During COVID

Photo by Latrach Med Jamil on Unsplash

Part 1: A Step-by-Step Guide Buy an Appliance During COVID. At Christmas.

  1. Ignore strange noises refrigerator makes.
  2. Beer warm; resolve to drink faster.
  3. Hope cat drinks puddle of liquid gathering at base of fridge.
  4. Frozen fruit soft and mushy. Fine for smoothies.
  5. Refrigerator and freezer dead. No. pulse.
  6. Panic.
  7. Divide and conquer.
  8. He:
    • Has to get cute to leave the house. It’s the first time in weeks.
    • Prepares for PPE application. Puts on mask. Glasses fog. Adds disposable gloves. Second mask. Glasses fog worse.
    • Buys several bags of ice at gas station, where those who refuse to wear masks congregate.
    • Fills bathtub with ice. Adds fresh, organic air-chilled turkey previously purchased for Christmas cooking.
  9. He:
    • Puts on new gloves. Clean mask. Glasses fog.
    • Heads into world to find dry ice to salvage competition-winning BBQ in defunct freezer.
    • Makes executive decision. Stops to buy two Yeti Tundra 45 coolers.
      • “It’s cheaper than buying all new food”
      • “We’ll totally use them again”
    • It’s really about the BBQ.
    • $600 + tax = two YETI hard coolers.
    • $0 = dry ice, already confiscated to keep COVID vaccines cold.
  10. She
    • Sets out to find the perfect fridge online.
    • Requirement 1: Fit allotted spot. Limited height due to useless built-in cabinets no one can reach.
    • Requirement 2: Quick delivery. Coffee without chilled oat milk is bullshit.
    • Requirement 3: A bargain.
  11. She
    • Lives in la la land; unaware of great appliance shortage of 2020 caused by COVID.
    • Abandons Requirement 3 on price. “Fuck it.” Focuses on fabulous features of French-door models.
    • Discovers fancied fridge with wi-fi enabled wine drawer and ice cream maker.
      • On backorder until 2023.
    • Contemplates “go big or go home” failure; realizes hasn’t left home in a month.
    • Starts to drink vodka.
  12. She
    • Purchases only refrigerator available before year-end.
    • Adds extended warranty guaranteed to do nothing.
    • Pays for white-glove delivery service.
      • I deserve it, dammit.”
    • Adds more vodka to glass.

Part 2: White-Glove Delivery Service. Day before Christmas.

Delivery Man 1 & 2 arrive four hours early; don’t call first.

Delivery Man 1 in foul mood because you’re not expecting him early.

Delivery Man 1: “Do you have any tools we can borrow? We forgot ours.”

He fetches drill and bits.

She to Delivery Man 1: “Can you please wear your mask properly and cover your nose?” Face mask is dirty, damp and dangling from his ears. Looks like a used cigarette filter.

He hands tools to Delivery Man 1, who places it on floor for everyone to trip over. 

Delivery Man 2 to She: “I like your pajamas,” indicating vintage set from Gap, back when Gap was still good. Delivery Man 2 wearing mask properly, clean with snug fit, unlike pants, which expose black-and-white check boxers.

Delivery Man 1 begins to take pictures of home without permission or explanation.

Delivery Man 2 rolls in dolly.

Delivery Man 1 and 2 load dolly with dead fridge.

Delivery Man 1 pushes dead fridge until forced to stop.

Delivery Man 1: “You have a problem,” indicating appliance he got wedged in hallway.

He: “If you measured first, you would have known you need to remove the refrigerator doors, to get it out of the house.”

Delivery Man 1: “Do you have a measuring tape I can borrow?”

He retrieves measuring tape.

She to Delivery Man 1: “Can you please wear your mask properly and cover your nose?”

He to Delivery Man 1: “You’ll need to remove the doors.”

Delivery Man 1: “Oh, we don’t actually do that. It’s a liability. That’s a risk.”

He holding iPhone: “Right here it says removing doors is part of white-glove delivery service.”

Delivery Man 1: “We don’t do that. It’s a liability.”

He: “Fuck it” starts to remove doors. Himself.

Delivery Man 1 stands very very very close, as if He will flee and need to be tackled; Delivery Man 1 watches TikTok videos on phone.

She to Delivery Man 1: “Since you’re standing so close, can you please wear your mask properly and cover your nose?”

Fridge doors removed.

Delivery Man 1 again starts to push dolly; hauls ass.

Knocks dead fridge into woodwork trim; chunks fall to floor.

Dents wood floors.

Aggressive push to outside world throws drawers and shelves to ground.

Delivery Man 1: “We measured. The new fridge won’t fit.”

He reading from iPhone: “Yes it will. The unit is 29 inches wide. The doorway is 32 inches. It will fit.”

Delivery Man 1: “No. We measured. It won’t fit. It’s a liability.”

He: “I’d like you to try.”

Delivery Man 1 and 2 roll a boxed refrigerator to the front door.

He: “That’s an LG. We didn’t buy an LG.”

She to Delivery Man 1: “Here’s a new disposable mask. Can you please put this on so your mouth and nose both are properly covered?”

Delivery Man 1 slides new mask into pocket.

Delivery Man 1: “You’re sure you didn’t buy an LG?”

He and She: “We bought a Whirlpool.”

Delivery Man 1 and 2 go to truck. Return. Dolly empty.

Delivery Man 1: “What about a Samsung? Did you buy a Samsung?”

He and She: “We bought a Whirlpool.”

Delivery Man 1: “We only delivery LG and Samsung. Why don’t you check your receipt. Maybe you don’t know what you bought.”

He and She: “We bought a Whirlpool.”

Delivery Man 1 and 2 go to truck. Return. No dolly.

Delivery Man 1: “We used the measuring tape. It’s too big. It won’t fit. It’s a liability.”

Delivery Man 1 and 2 leave new fridge outside in front of home.

Delivery Man 1 keeps measuring tape. As a professional, clearly he can put it to better use.

Part 3: Christmas Day.

Receive Whole Foods email indicating turkey in bathtub “did not meet our high expectations for quality.”

$50 account credit won’t buy enough wine to make it through the day.

Order pizza. Drink crisp cold beer from Yeti cooler.

Week later. Claims Letter arrives from white-glove Delivery Man 1.

Part 4: Claims Letter.

She and He told us to leave Samsung refrigerator in garage. We left LG in garage. No liability.”

She and He do not have a garage.

Or a working refrigerator.

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