Get out your party pants — it’s time to celebrate what is the most forgotten holiday the past four years: President’s Day! “We’re a B-List holiday stuck in holiday purgatory,” the holiday’s publicist said. “Over the past four years President’s Day, like Democracy, has been slipping, both on a march to dinosaur extinction. We came perilously close.”…
Holidays
Presents to Piss Off Your Valentine Presented by the Letter “P”
Pony: “How old do you think I am?” Puppy: “I already take care of you and the kids. Obviously I need more responsibility.” Pro Pods from Apple. “Sure, they’d be great for noise-cancelling the kids — if they stayed in your ears.” Pan: “I already do all the cooking.” Potted Plant. “It may last longer than fresh cut flowers, but…
How to Buy an Appliance During COVID
Part 1: A Step-by-Step Guide Buy an Appliance During COVID. At Christmas. Ignore strange noises refrigerator makes. Beer warm; resolve to drink faster. Hope cat drinks puddle of liquid gathering at base of fridge. Frozen fruit soft and mushy. Fine for smoothies. Refrigerator and freezer dead. No. pulse. Panic. Divide and conquer. He: Has to get…
Family Photo Perfect Display of Dysfunction
My parents recently celebrated a wedding anniversary. A big one. To the point I needed to visit a specialty card store, the kind that makes me feel instantly bad about myself when I walk in. For not sending enough cards. Or color coordinated enough. Or just not being … enough. Pickings for celebrating 50 years…
Why do Father’s Day Cards Suck?
As I’ve gotten older, selecting the appropriate Father’s Day card has become a physical experience. My stomach clenches with dismissive discomfort at each grossly inaccurate sentiment. “No. No. Oh, hell no!” I quickly reject nearly every card. They all seem to be written from the perspective of a sweetly naïve six-year-old girl. Happy Father’s Day…
First Signs of Hope Under Trump
Like all good Jewish girls, I took my father to Cindy’s Deli for his birthday lunch last week. Our conversations have been a bit strained since Christmas Eve. Scene: Chinese Restaurant. Mom and brother stepped away to say hello to someone. Yup. Very Jew-ish. My chance to talk to dad without everyone else jumping in.…
Avoid the ER on New Year’s Eve if You Want to Celebrate
I didn’t set out to hit the ER on New Year’s Eve. But a year-end visit to the chiropractor included a neck adjustment that sent me to the emergency room. It’s hardly a way to celebrate. I tend to not have the best of luck with medical things. I caught poison ivy in downtown Washington…
The Boyfriend Effect — 17.2 Pounds
One thing loudly Ho, Ho, Hoing this holiday season — aside from Russia, which is having a daily Christmas affair with our politics — is my weight. My clothes are on a permanent vacation from lack of use because they don’t fit. And I’m not talking about the “oh, I’m feeling bloated” saga. Even my…
Don’t Feed Your Laptop Coffee
My holiday season didn’t start off with a bang. It was more a sizzle. In addition to overstuffing my already-full self, I also fed my computer. Coffee. Don’t do it. Don’t feed your laptop coffee. I spend most of my waking life in the digital saddle. It’s how I make a living. I have no…
Why I Don’t Dress Up for Halloween
By far one of the most underrated parties in Dallas is the annual Oak Lawn Halloween Block Party on Cedar Springs Road. Typically held the Saturday before Halloween, it’s something that makes me proud of Dallas. A festivity bringing together the most diverse crowd I’ve experienced in Texas, spanning age, ethnicity and sexual orientation. There’s…