Time to Take Back President’s Day: Memo from the Holiday’s Publicist

Time to Take Back President’s Day

Photo by Terence Burke on Unsplash

Get out your party pants — it’s time to celebrate what is the most forgotten holiday the past four years: President’s Day!

“We’re a B-List holiday stuck in holiday purgatory,” the holiday’s publicist said. “Over the past four years President’s Day, like Democracy, has been slipping, both on a march to dinosaur extinction. We came perilously close.”

So where, exactly, has President’s Day been? Can a holiday really just hibernate and hide away? Apparently so.

“President’s Day took some time off to lay low at home. And just like the rest of us, they’re ready to burn the place to the ground,” the publicist said. She insisted the holiday’s decision to hide out during the past administration was a calculated one. While not easy, it was deemed critical for future survival.

“There was nothing good to celebrate! Even banks stopped bothering to close, which isn’t a good thing for any holiday. Especially when you’re best known for mattress sales,” according to the publicist.

The holiday’s steering committee hired focus groups to help refine plans for a blowout bash in our Nation’s Capital.

“Clearly President’s Day has an identity crisis,” one person plucked from their job at the corndog stand in the mall where the study took place offered up. “It would be nice if people could enjoy the 3-day weekend, but a quick jaunt to Cabo or Space doesn’t scream Americana.”

Other research participants agreed to speak with us as long we didn’t disclose that no one actually knew when President’s Day occurs each year.

Participants willingly leaked plans for parade floats large enough to ensure everyone stayed 6-feet apart, even though they likely would damage all roads in and out of the city. The day also included a blow-out bash to “party like it’s 1999 and Prince is still alive because it’s our party and we can do that,” according to a press release the holiday accidently released when an intern plugged in an old fax machine.

What else was planned for the party? That’s where things got awkward, thanks to the Jan. 6 insurrection in Washington D.C. This, according to one couple out getting in their daily steps at the local mall when asked to help fill the empty chairs of the focus group.

“First we’d all gather outside the White House for a really big rally. Then we’d all walk down Pennsylvania Avenue and head to the U.S. Capitol. We’d hold hands, wave large American flags and all walk up the steps together,” the couple explained. Overhead helicopters would take pictures while Capitol Police passed out sparklers. Neil Diamond was booked to perform his hit song “Coming to America” on repeat.

President’s Day even was in negotiations with Jello-O as a sponsor for the festivities, the dessert brand confirmed.

“As you may have heard, things didn’t work out so well with our last celebrity spokesman, so we’ve been leery about aligning with another brand,” the gelatin said in a written statement. “But we knew President’s Day was a safe bet. We were even going to sample our new adult line and pass out Jello-O shots.”

To keep the event bipartisan, Jello-O looped in Mike Pence, citing his “wiggle and jiggle, never quite settling on his own point of view.”

“It was all going great. But then Jan. 6 happened. And then Pence went and got a backbone. And that’s just not Jello-O.”

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