This past weekend was my first brush with the summer sun. My indoor-stabilized form, otherwise shrouded in layers of clothing to offset the fierce air conditioning blowing through every indoor space in Texas, was exposed to daylight for the first time in months. Immediately apparent: Why I need sunscreen school. The victim this time? My…
Katy Trail Weekly
Rani Monson writes a biweekly humor column for Katy Trail Weekly.
Why do Father’s Day Cards Suck?
As I’ve gotten older, selecting the appropriate Father’s Day card has become a physical experience. My stomach clenches with dismissive discomfort at each grossly inaccurate sentiment. “No. No. Oh, hell no!” I quickly reject nearly every card. They all seem to be written from the perspective of a sweetly naïve six-year-old girl. Happy Father’s Day…
Customer Service Needs to Visit Pot Dispensaries
On what feels like it should be a Monday, the first email of the morning sets the day off to a bad start. DirecTV is thanking me for the pay-per-view movie I allegedly just rented. Please. If only I could be that person, up early enough to watch a movie before work, I’d probably also…
How I Became a Band Groupie
Even though my trip to Portland has been planned for a number of months, I’ve been uncharacteristically demure about the purpose. When asked, I was embarrassed to tell the truth. I was a band groupie. Then I outed myself on Facebook, sharing a photo of myself meeting the band. “This is kinda becoming a groupie…
Why You Need to Vote
It feels like things are really getting bad in Texas. That we’re living in a dystopian HBO drama where there is only one flavor of opinion — vanilla. Tolerance is nonexistent, sprinkles aren’t allowed. Don’t even think about chocolate. It’s embarrassing enough that a federal judge has ruled, yet again, that our voter ID law…
Why I Hate Doing My Taxes
Doing my taxes puts me in a really bad mood. It feels like a black-and-white awareness that I suck. True financial recognition that I’m not making the amount of money I thought I would. Or could. Or should. I hate doing my taxes. While finishing is the goal, it means I have to turn around…
Why I Won’t Ask Alexa for Anything
Boyfriend and I have a problem. It’s another woman. Her name is Alexa. He’s in love. I think she’s a bitch. It’s why I won’t ask Alexa for anything. Not only is she trying to take my man, she’s winning. He keeps buying more and more — Echo Dots are everywhere — because he’s under the…
Becoming Sensitive to Insensitivity
Is it just me, or did everyone jump on a rocket ship to narcissism-land? Last week I saw a woman walking through the middle of the parking lot. Her roll was extra slow, oblivious to the world around her. Cars impatiently lined up, all waiting to park. She was busy texting. As I walked past…
Losing My Free Cable
I’ve been committing what is akin to cinema fraud. Where you go to the movies, pay for one movie and stay for a second. Rarely a third. Never a fourth. I’ll blame that on a bad boyfriend. My home-version of said fraud is cable. DIRECTTV. It’s not “stolen,” in that the service is being paid…
First Signs of Hope Under Trump
Like all good Jewish girls, I took my father to Cindy’s Deli for his birthday lunch last week. Our conversations have been a bit strained since Christmas Eve. Scene: Chinese Restaurant. Mom and brother stepped away to say hello to someone. Yup. Very Jew-ish. My chance to talk to dad without everyone else jumping in.…